


window to the soul

by markbumficfest



Series: Markbum Fic Exchange 2018 [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, maybe there are some book spoilers but i think it should be fine...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 04:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17155037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markbumficfest/pseuds/markbumficfest
Summary: the cliché is that eyes are windows to the soul, but jaebum thinks that books probably serve the purpose better.alternatively, with every page he reads, jaebum falls deeper and deeper in love.





	window to the soul

**Author's Note:**

> for sadboyjaebum
> 
> full fanart: [here](https://www.dropbox.com/s/3f65rd6kepubnw7/markbum_WindowToTheSoul.jpg?dl=0)  
> \-----
> 
> prompt: one day when jaebum enters class and sits at his desk, he finds a book there. he ends up reading it and actually loves it. once a week he’ll find a new book, sometimes with little notes written in it at the end talking about the story (maybe jaebum will also leave books in exchange)

There’s something particularly draining about going back to school after a long, extended winter vacation resting back at home. At least, that’s what Jaebum thinks as he tiredly deposits himself into the first open seat that’s a respectable distance away from the lecturing professor, but not far enough where he’s tempted to doze off.

He grabs his laptop, a notebook, and a pen from his backpack, but when he turns around to properly face his desk, Jaebum finds that the space is already occupied.

Staring up at him from the desk is a copy of _The Alchemist_ by Paulo Coelho, probably accidentally left behind by whoever was sitting in the same seat during the class before Jaebum’s. He’s about to open up the book to see if he can figure out who its proper owner is, but then the doors to the lecture hall swing open with a bang. His professor, who walked into class approximately five minutes late, is already spewing out information about the course and it’s all Jaebum can do, to stuff the book into his backpack, as he scrambles to open up his notebook and begin what he already knows will be one hell of a semester.

 

It isn’t until later—much, _much_ later because his major requirements are seriously ridiculous—that Jaebum remembers the book.

After he’s finally finished with all his classes and discussion sections and extracurricular meetings (and a hasty dinner in between it all), Jaebum takes a cursory glance at the clock to check the time. 10:00pm.

He’s kind of annoyed, but can’t say that he’s particularly surprised at how late it is. With resignation, he sits down at his desk and begins to pull notebooks out from his bag. He feels around for the small textbook he needs to read for his film class, but what he takes out from his bag is not actually _Film as Social Practice_. Instead, he’s met with the bright orange and yellow cover of _The Alchemist_.

That was what was bugging him all day, the task he had to complete but couldn’t, for the life of him, actually remember. Jaebum flips the front cover open, hoping to find a name or any information at all written on the inside. If not, maybe he’ll ask Jinyoung whether this book is required reading for any of the Literature classes. Or maybe he should’ve just left the book where it was because what if its rightful owner tried looking for it and it just wasn’t there?

All thought inside Jaebum’s head are replaced with a single, resounding _What?_ when he opens the book.

There’s an envelope. A thin, white envelope is taped to the back of the front cover and instead of a mailing and return address, all that’s written on the envelope is “Open~ ^^”. Jaebum removes the envelope, wary of the tape potentially peeling off the black paper that lines the hard cover.

The crinkling sound of paper seems to fill the room as Jaebum takes a folded letter out from the envelope. Curiously, he begins to read:

 

 _Dear book recipient,_

_How do you like your new desk seat? I used to sit here last year (last semester, but it’s a new calendar year, so whatever I’m still right). I don’t even know if you like books, or if you’ll like these books that I leave for you, so if you don’t, you can tell me to fuck off and I’ll get the hint. I figure this will be therapeutic for me in a way, and maybe for you, too. You’ll learn more about why after you finish the book, though! I’ve left a little surprise at the end! Or not if you don’t care at all. This is pretty strange, I can admit. But if you want to give me and my books a chance, finish the story and open the letter, too._

_Happy reading!_

 

A surprise at the end? Another letter? Jaebum flips to the back cover and, sure enough, there’s another thin, white envelope taped to it. But this time, the handwritten note says, “Not until you finish the book!”

Jaebum should probably feel nervous, apprehensive, wary, even. Maybe he should feel scared that someone is trying to reach out to him in this way. What if they were lying about where they sat next semester and this entire project was specifically aimed at him for some reason? What if he’s going to get hurt?

The only thing he feels, though, is excited. It could be the lack of energy making his brain not function at its regular capacity, but Jaebum finds himself entertained by the whole situation. It’s a great idea, honestly, because someone’s book preferences can reveal so much, if not everything, about how they think, what they believe, what they’re interested in, and really just who they are as a person without them ever needing to disclose their personal information. If anything, Jaebum’s the one with the upper hand here.

Plus, whoever this person is sounds so _cute_. It’s a word he hates, but he can’t think of a better descriptor for how enthusiastic and earnest this person comes across on paper. He wants to learn more.

But he can’t, at least not right now, when several assignments are already mocking him from the inside of his backpack.

Instead, he sets a reminder on his phone, recurring every day, telling him to read. The book is pretty short and hopefully the reminder (paired with his curiosity) will be enough for him to reach for the book in his spare time, rather than wasting his life away watching JunsKitchen.

The rest of the night, whenever Jaebum sees the bright cover of _The Alchemist_ sitting on the upper right portion of his desk from the corner of his eye, he smiles.

  


_The Alchemist_ is a good book. Jaebum’s heard things about it, was expecting it to be some sort of action-driven, suspenseful story. Instead, he begins to understand how this book recommendation project is meant to be therapeutic.

 _The Alchemist_ is more a self-help book than anything else, despite the fact that the plot follows a shepherd boy who undertakes a journey from Andalusia, Spain to the Pyramids of Giza in Egypt because of a recurring dream he believes to be prophetic. Honestly, the plot itself is kind of choppy and definitely not the best that Jaebum’s ever read, but it’s a book that doles out life lessons on happiness, perseverance, and love with no end, all in the form of inspirational quotes. Jaebum’s favorite is: “When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.” The protagonist has a level of optimism that Jaebum doesn’t think he, himself, is capable of, but it’s refreshing to read. Maybe he should start incorporating some of that in his own life.

It’s a little cheesy, but a lot of these lessons are things Jaebum didn’t know he needed to hear, especially at this point in his life. It’s one thing to hear encouraging words from your friends and upperclassmen—not that they aren’t helpful or uplifting, but it’s a little hard to draw too much strength from their words as they tell you things like “It’ll get better, I promise!” while complaining about how lifeless they feel in the same breath—and another to read something that resonates with you, that has a satisfying ending that you can apply to your own life. 

Jaebum finishes the book in about a week. It’s not a long book, but if he’s honest with himself, he finishes quickly mostly because he wants to know what the second letter says. When he finishes the last few words, he almost fist pumps into the air ( _almost_ , because he’s in the middle of a library and he’s not a heathen). He probably looks creepy, with a huge smile on his face, carefully removing the second envelope from the inside back cover and taking the letter out, but he doesn’t really care.

 

 _Dear book recipient,_ he reads,

 

_Did you like the book? Was it what you were expecting? It certainly wasn’t what I thought it was going to be when I picked it up, but it helped me a lot last year when I was going through a rough patch and needed some motivation and positivity. I’m not sure if you’re in the same situation, but regardless, I think this book is good for reminding us to look at the bigger picture when we’re going through hardships and for finding inspiration in achieving our goals. I don’t think I’ve found my personal legend yet, but that’s what college is for, right? Maybe not, considering how much random shit they make us do…. But anyways, write me back! Let me know what you thought, if you read the book, or tell me to leave you alone if you think I’m weird, haha. Leave a note for me on the desk (or tape it under so nobody else randomly takes it?) and I’ll see it._

_P.S. If you like the idea of this project of mine, I’ll only leave you another book when I see a note on the desk because that tells me you’ve finished the last one I gave you._

_P.P.S. You can totally keep these books! I’ve got copies of my own._

 

When Jaebum finishes reading, he’s still smiling. It sucks to hear that whoever this mystery person is had a difficult time last year, but Jaebum is relieved to hear that they got through it and amazed that they were willing and brave enough to share such a large piece of themselves to a complete stranger. 

Neglecting his in-progress film script for a second, Jaebum rips out a piece of lined paper from a notebook and writes a response.

 

_Dear book donor,_

_Maybe you’ll think I’m the weird one for being really excited for this? I really enjoyed the book. It was both such a nice break from the daily monotony of school/assignments as well as something I think I needed right now. I haven’t had time to read recently, but I used to gravitate towards books about interpersonal relationships (Have you read_ _내_ _마음_ _다치지_ _않게_ _Don’t Hurt Me: I Want to be Alone, But Not Alone by_ _최민정_ _Choi Minjung? I’d recommend it.) instead of self-reflective stuff. It also wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and, honestly, some plot points I thought were a tad ridiculous (the love story seemed so sudden and out of place!) but, looking back, I guess it fit the overall vibe of the book well._

_I also just wanted to thank you, I guess? I certainly wouldn’t have had the creativity or guts to start a project like this and give some random person little pieces of myself, because that’s really what books that have had an impact on our lives are._

_I can’t wait for the next recommendation!_

  


The next day, Jaebum is a bundle of nerves and excited energy before his class. Jinyoung even raises an eyebrow at his newfound enthusiasm when they get breakfast together and Jaebum tells him about the book and mysterious book-giver. 

When he gets to class, he does as the book-giver suggested and tapes his response note under the desk to safeguard it from others throughout the day. He has a passing thought of _What if the book-giver checks every day to see if I’ve gotten the book and have written back?_ If that’s true, then that’s way more work than Jaebum is exerting, just being a sponge for this person’s book recommendations. He untapes the note from the bottom of the desk and tacks on a note at the end about his class schedule ( _P.S. I’m in the 8:30am MWF class in this room. Wasn’t sure if you were checking here every day after every class period, so I thought you knowing this bit of my schedule might be helpful_ ) before putting it back in its place.

Jaebum actually gets to class _early_ the next Friday, which is saying something because 8:30am is the earliest start time for lectures and it’s a _Friday_. He even woke up _before_ his alarm despite working late on a music composition project the night before, like. Seriously. So here Jaebum is, a good seven minutes early, wide awake, and hiding a grin behind his to-go coffee cup when he spots a small book on his seat.

 _This is Water_ by David Foster Wallace is a tiny little thing, recommended somewhat in response to the book Jaebum mentioned. ( _I didn’t actually finish reading your book, yet_ , the note says, _but I think this might be on a similar vein? And if it’s not, it’s super short since it’s actually the transcription of a speech the author gave, but it’s incredible and really reflects the way I think, too._ ) It urges its audience to exercise control over what they think, to avoid succumbing to merely taking situations as they are at their surface-level, to dig deeper and empathize with those around them. It reflects the way Jaebum thinks as well and it’s always validating to see your own thoughts and values echoed in other places. Keeping in theme with digging deeper into everyday, mundane occurrences and decisions, Jaebum recommends the book _그림으로_ _읽는_ _생생_ _심리학_ _Psychology with Pictures_ by 이소라 Lee Sora.

When the next book Jaebum receives is _All the Light We Cannot See_ by Anthony Doerr, he responds with _アフターダーク_ _After Dark_ by 村上 春樹 Haruki Murakami. When he finally finishes _Great Expectations_ by Charles Dickens, he offers _위로의_ _그림책_ _From. Picture Book_ by 박재규 Park Jaegyu and illustrations by _조성민_ Cho Sungmin in return.

He keeps every note from his book-giver in a box he went out and bought to look nice sitting on the corner of his desk. They’ve graduated from only passing notes with each new book delivery to every other day, whenever Jaebum has class. They talk about the books themselves or about how they apply to their personal lives or about the struggles they’ve overcome that their books have either helped or, in hindsight, would have been useful. He learns a lot about his book-giver and about himself too, like how he wishes he had his book-giver’s resilient patience and how he maybe wants to meet them one day.

He flips through the notes, sometimes, when his hectic schedule feels like a storm brewing around him, violent and demanding, or when the weight of others’ and his own expectations weigh heavily on his chest, suffocating and oppressive. The letters remind him that there’s someone out there who has gone through similar emotions, if not necessarily the same circumstances, who has impossibly risen above it. There’s someone out there who can temper and bear the burden so well that they’ve gone out and chosen to help and guide another through the turbulent waves.

He reads through the notes sometimes to remember what his book-giver found important in each of the books in addition to the thoughts Jaebum himself has written down. Their thoughts are stronger and more complete together than they are apart.

If the notes aren’t enough, Jaebum will reach for a book, new or old. The spines of his book-giver’s once new books are showing signs of wear, from Jaebum reading through passages over again or just absentmindedly flipping through pages, being comforted by the flashes of what he thought and how he felt while reading. And his old favorites stop collecting dust on his bookshelf. With the chaos that university brings, he had forgotten what it was like to lose himself in someone else’s world or that he could rely on someone else’s words rather than his own mental stamina.

It’s nice, now, that he remembers, thanks to his book-giver.

Jaebum doesn’t know who this person is, but he’s grateful that, miraculously, they have become a source of strength and reassurance.

  


It’s when his mysterious book-giver leaves him a worn, annotated copy of _The Fountainhead_ by Ayn Rand, around two months after he discovered the first book, that Jaebum finds out who his person actually is.

 _The Fountainhead_ is a true behemoth of a book. That’s the first thing Jaebum notices as he’s walking up to his seat. The second thing he notices, once he actually sits down, is that this book isn’t new. The edges are worn and there are bright colored sticky notes peeking out between the pages. When Jaebum flips through, his eye spots underlined phrases and notes jotted in margins and wonders again how someone can be so willing to give away a piece of their soul.

He carries the book with him like a treasure. He’s read the note inside and knows that it’s one of his book-giver’s favorites. The note was short this time ( _I want to keep this note brief because I want to see what you think of this book without my two cents at first. It’s kind of fucked up and weird in the beginning, throughout the whole thing, if I’m honest,_ the book-giver has written, _but you’ll see why I like it so much near the end. Or at least I hope you do. Happy reading!_ ), but as Jaebum slowly makes his way through the chapters and reads his book-giver’s annotations, he thinks he might be putting the pieces together.

Jaebum has the book out next to him as he eats lunch with Jinyoung on Thursday. Well, he’s not reading it as they eat—because that would be rude and Jinyoung would hold it over him for an eternity, despite being a Literature major and constantly touting the value of books and reading—but it’s out on the table next to him because he had some time to kill when Jinyoung’s meeting ran late. Jinyoung is talking about said meeting (ranting about how his TA wants him to essentially re-do his essay) when Jaebum feels a solid mass of _something_ slam into his back and nearly chokes on his soup.

He whips around to see what or who the offending mass is and wonders why he’s even remotely surprised that it’s Jackson.

“What the hell, Jackson, you almost killed me!” Jaebum whines as the sound of his telltale hyena laughter fills the air.

“Jinyoung’s smiling, though, so your death would’ve been worth it,” Jackson bites back as he moves next to Jinyoung’s side and plants a kiss on his cheek.

Jaebum rolls his eyes and Jackson turns his attention to his boyfriend, asking, “How’d the meeting go, babe?”

Jinyoung cringes a little bit at the pet name (always does), but rewinds his rant all the back to the beginning and starts again.

Not to be a bad friend, but Jaebum’s started to zone out. It’s not too hard considering he’s heard this all before and, say what you will about Jinyoung’s nagging, but his voice is pretty soothing to listen to. So, for the second time in a 20 minute span, Jackson scares the shit out of him when he exclaims, “Where did you get that book?”

Jaebum blinks back into attention. Ignoring the daggers Jinyoung is shooting at Jackson, Jaebum answers slowly, “Uhhh, a little over two months ago there was this book on the desk of a seat I sat in during lecture and I took it and read it and there were notes inside and I’ve been exchanging books with this person I don’t know since then…. Wow, it sounds really sketchy when I condense it like that.”

“That’s Mark’s book,” Jackson states, seemingly ignoring everything that’s just been said.

“Who?” Jaebum asks at the same time Jinyoung’s brows knit in confusion and he says, “One of your best friends, Mark?”

Jackson nods his head vigorously in reaction to Jinyoung’s question.

“Yeah,” he begins to explain, “that’s definitely his. I’d know it anywhere. I’ve seen him pull that book out so many times, the image of it is definitely seared into my skull. I can’t believe he lent it to you! He nearly chops my hand off if I so much as touch it.”

“Well, that’s because you’re probably reaching for it to throw at somebody,” Jinyoung teases.

With Jackson’s shout of indignation, they get into one of their typical squabbles, but not even the sound and commotion of his friends bickering is enough to drown out the low buzz of confusion in Jaebum’s head.

  


The next day, Jaebum finds a note on his desk.

 

_Dear book recipient,_

_Should I start calling you Jaebum now? Jackson told me that he knew the person who’s been receiving my books! He got sulky that I let you read my copy of_ The Fountainhead _when I barely let him look at it, but it’s really just because he only sees it as a weapon. I don’t know if he’s talked to you about this at all, but he thinks we would actually get along as friends and not just as pen pals. I’d love to meet you in person, but if you’re uncomfortable by that, I’d understand completely. Write me back and let me know! Or you can just text Jackson. Actually, that’d probably be easier…._

_P.S. This time I do want my book back when you’re done with it. It’s one of my favorites, after all._

 

As he mulls over it throughout the rest of the day, Jaebum finds himself drawn to the idea of finally meeting his book-giver. His only reservations are his own nerves. Will Mark like him? What if he thinks Jaebum is lame? Or what if he thinks Jaebum is standoffish and scary, like so many people do before getting to know him? Although, they’ve already shared so much of themselves with each other, Jaebum doesn’t think it’ll be uncomfortable.

He sends Jackson a text later that night, and the day after, he finds himself bouncing his leg nervously in a restaurant as Jinyoung eyes him in amusement.

“Relax, hyung, you two will get along fine,” Jinyoung reassures, “and on the miniscule chance that you and Mark don’t get along, well. That’s why Jackson and I are here, right?”

That is precisely when Jackson walks in, followed by a literal _fairy_ , with big, doe eyes and an impish grin, wearing ripped up black skinny jeans and an oversized red hoodie.

“Jaebum, Mark. Mark, Jaebum.” Jackson formally introduces while sliding into the open seat next to Jinyoung.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Mark smiles. His voice is a lot deeper than Jaebum would’ve thought. It’s nice that even his book-giver as a person is full of interesting little contrasts.

“It’s nice to finally put a name _and_ a face to the person I’ve been calling ‘book-giver’ in my head for the past few weeks,” Jaebum smiles back.

“Speaking of books, how are you liking _The Fountainhead_ so far?”

That simple question is enough to spark an intense conversation as he hounds Mark with questions, only to be answered by a light giggle and a non-committal, “You’ll see when you get to the end!” Jaebum barely notices Jackson and Jinyoung ordering food for the table until Jinyoung pokes at him with a chopstick to tell him to eat. He doesn’t feel uncomfortable at all. It’s like the nervousness consuming him before has all but evaporated, and all Jaebum feels now is happy.

They start hanging out regularly after that.

The first few times they make plans together, they meet up at the bookstore Mark has been going to all this time. Each time they go, Jaebum buys Mark a copy of one of the books he’s recommended, payback for all of the money Mark’s spent buying books for him. Then, (and Jaebum doesn’t even remember how they got to this topic to begin with), when Mark learns that Jaebum likes League of Legends because he’s never played Overwatch before, Jaebum gets shepherded to Mark’s apartment to learn. Then, when Mark complains about the dining hall food tasting like plastic, Jaebum invites him over to his own apartment. They cook dinner together, working quite well with one another as Jaebum’s cats weave themselves around their feet. Odd and Nora, in particular, have become smitten with Mark, attempting to cuddle into his lap and rub against his legs as they eat.

Maybe it’s because they’ve technically known each other for longer than the time since they’ve met, or maybe it’s because Mark is just a relaxed, charming person, but Jaebum finds that hanging out with Mark is _easy_. They don’t run out of things to talk about since they can always fall back on discussing books, but Jaebum doesn’t always feel the need to talk at all. Someone once told him that a test of true friendship is how comfortable you are in each other’s silence and if that’s the case, then he and Mark are already extremely good friends. It’s different from with Jinyoung, who he’s known for such a long time that his feeling at ease in the silences they share is only natural, and a much needed calm from business of Jaebum’s day-to-day.

It’s nice. Around Mark, surrounded by books and chatter and silence all at once, Jaebum feels a little bit at peace.

  


“You and Mark are really close now, huh?” Jinyoung breaks the silence one day as they’re doing work.

Jaebum thinks it’s a strange way to start a conversation, but he humors Jinyoung anyways, “Yeah, he’s really easy to get along with.”

“You’ve been spending so much time together, it’s almost like you’re replacing me,” Jinyoung muses. Jaebum looks up from his work, then, because with a line like that coming from Jinyoung, he’d expect it to be at least a little bit petulant, but it’s not.

Jaebum raises an eyebrow in question and Jinyoung just grins, “Do you like him?”

At that, Jaebum’s eyes widen into saucers as he stutters, “Wh-What do you mean? I? I’m not… I’m not gay?”

The look that Jinyoung gives him is soft and understanding, but pitying in a way that Jaebum isn’t sure he’s comfortable with as he replies, “You don’t have to be gay to like him, hyung. Just consider it. Mark seems to make you really happy. I think it’d be good for you.”

His mouth doesn’t even open all the way to respond before Jinyoung’s phone is ringing. It’s apparently Jackson and Jinyoung apparently _has_ to go, as if he hadn’t just sent Jaebum’s brain into a whirlwind of thoughts a mere few seconds ago.

Jaebum doesn’t know how long he sits there, staring off into space, overthinking and overanalyzing every interaction he’s ever had with Mark. _Do I like him?_

He only snaps out of it when he hears his own phone buzzing angrily on the countertop. It’s Mark.

He picks up the phone to hear Mark asking if he wants to come over later to cure his boredom, but he mumbles a vague excuse and hopes Mark accepts it. (He does because Mark is an angel. Jaebum’s phone lights up a few minutes later with a text: _you sounded a little floaty and out of it over the phone…. i hope everything’s okay and that you’re feeling alright! if you need anything, just lmk^^_ )

The next few times Mark tries to hang out with him, Jaebum responds the same way. He can’t even think straight when it comes to Mark right now, much less look him in the eye. He didn’t realize how much time he and Mark started spending together until all of that time was replaced by him just _thinking_. He thinks about the way Mark laughs and the way he looks at his cats like they’re his own babies and the way he seems to always know what to say to make everything better, except that wouldn’t work right now because even just seeing Mark’s name on his phone and being reminded of Mark everywhere he turns is only serving to confuse Jaebum more.

Jinyoung just looks at him like a disappointed parent, but Jaebum doesn’t think that’s fair when it’s all Jinyoung’s fault that his brain has become a tangled knot of emotions and questions he doesn’t even know how to articulate.

After a few days, Mark stops texting him so much, asking if he’s okay. The last text he sent makes Jaebum feel the most remorse: _if i did something wrong, i’m sorry for whatever i did and i wish i could fix it, but if you need space to figure out your thoughts, that’s what i’ll give you. i hope you feel better soon!_

A few days after that, Jackson bursts through his front door.

“What the fuck have you done?” Jackson fumes, “Why haven’t you been responding to Mark? What did you do to make him so sad?”

Jinyoung hasn’t been helpful at all and he can’t talk to Mark and Jackson looks like he’s about three seconds away from ripping Jaebum’s throat out, but at least he _cares_ , so Jaebum explains. He explains what Jinyoung said and how his mind has been a mess ever since and how he doesn’t know how to deal with it and how it feels like he can’t talk to Mark, but he misses him. God, Jaebum misses him _so much_.

When he’s done speaking, he looks back up at Jackson.

“You’re such a dumbass!” Jackson almost laughs, incredulous at the situation, “This is why I shouldn’t have to call you ‘hyung’! You _obviously_ like him and, newsflash, idiot! He fucking likes you, too! That’s why he’s been so sad and mopey! Fix this! I’m literally not leaving until you text him. This is _so_ stupid!”

With his heart in his throat and Jackson staring him down, Jaebum texts Mark: _hey, can we talk?_

  


“Are you mad at me?”

They’re at the park and there’s a light mist in the air and it’s enchantingly sunny outside. It doesn’t match the mood at all. Mark’s voice is softer than usual and his eyes are sadder than Jaebum has ever seen them before. Jaebum feels awful.

“No. God, no, Mark, I could never be mad at you.” Jaebum’s voice sounds strange in his ears. It’s shaky and uncertain and he wishes he weren’t so nervous, just like the first time they met.

“Then why have you been avoiding me?” Mark’s voice is accusatory, but it’s only a grain of sand compared to the confusion and the pain, “What did I do wrong?”

“No, Mark, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Jaebum hurriedly says, “it wasn’t you. This is so cliché, but really, it wasn’t you at all. It was me.”

Mark doesn’t say anything and Jaebum knows it’s because he’s expecting to hear something else, something more. This is the one time silence with Mark has ever felt anything other than serene.

“Jinyoung just said some stuff to me and it made me think a lot and I’ve been shutting myself away from everyone, really, just thinking about it and….” Jaebum takes a deep breath before continuing, “And I don’t think I’m straight.”

He refuses to look up at Mark, focusing instead of his hands clasped in his lap to prevent them from shaking. He feels Mark’s hand at the nape of his neck, rubbing soothing patterns against his back.

“I guess that really is scary, discovering something new and contradictory about yourself. But you know I wouldn’t have judged you for it, right? And I’m still not judging you for it. You can talk to me, you know? I don’t even use labels on myself when it comes to stuff like this because you never know if someone is going to barge into your life and break every preconceived notion you had about who you are, making you have an existential crisis.”

Mark laughs after he finishes talking, a soft, tinkling sound that inspires melodies in Jaebum’s head, even though he’s stressed. God, he’s fucked.

Mark laughs, but Jaebum’s face remains pale. That was the perfect segue. Now or never.

“Yeah,” he agrees slowly, “and for me that person was you.”

Mark’s hand immediately stills on his back, “What…?”

Jaebum stands up suddenly, days’ and weeks’ and months’ worth of _feelings_ pouring from his chest, “I like you because you’re everything I’m not, but everything I am at the same time. We haven’t talked about the book yet, since I’ve been too busy being brainless, but you like _The Fountainhead_ because it turns into a story about integrity and that’s one of the things we both value the most. You’re brave enough to give pieces of yourself to a stranger and trust that you wouldn’t get your faith in humanity shattered and you helped mend parts of me that I didn’t even realize were broken. And that was all before I even met you. Then I got to know you and maybe you don’t think you’re perfect, but you’re pretty perfect to me. You’re warm and make me feel safe and I was so scared for myself after the seed that Jinyoung planted in my head began sprouting and even though I tried to pull away, you still made it clear that you would be there for me. And then when I wasn’t talking to you, it felt like I was missing something. And I’m still scared, but you’re still here and you still know the exact things to say to make me feel better and maybe we haven’t known each other long enough for me to say this, but I think you’ve taken a piece of me, Mark Tuan, and I don’t want you to give it back.”

When he finishes, he finally finds the courage to look at Mark in the eyes, only to find Mark already looking at Jaebum through his eyelashes, lips curved into a soft smile.

“Can I…. Can I kiss you?” he asks.

Jaebum flushes sanguine, but he can’t tear his eyes away from Mark’s, searching, waiting. Slowly, Mark lifts a hand to cup Jaebum’s cheek. It’s normally something he hates, people touching his face, but he finds that if it’s Mark, he doesn’t mind. Jaebum nods slowly, mind dimly aware of the fact that he didn’t answer Mark properly and that’s when Mark’s face breaks out into a breathtaking smile. Mark leans forward slowly, agonizingly so, stopping right before their lips touch. This close, Jaebum can see the fine veins of Mark’s pale eyelids and the way his eyelashes curl towards the sun.

“Are you sure?” Mark whispers.

Jaebum can feel Mark’s breath on his skin, and the almost-but-not-quite ghost of his lips is taunting. He knows Mark is grinning, smirking, even, so he surges forward, capturing Mark’s lips with his own and holding Mark tight against his body in his arms.

The sun is warm against their backs and birds are chirping and Jaebum might be afraid, but as he feels Mark laugh into the kiss, he knows, without a doubt, that this? This is where he belongs.

**Author's Note:**

> this was more me nerding out and looking up books i want to read/have read, so i’m sorry for that, but i hope this was at least a little of what the prompter wanted…? i initially had a whole other plot that i wanted to write, but school and job hunting really kicked my ass and i had no time to execute what i planned :( i legit wrote the bulk of this in a day, so hopefully the fic is still passable (even though i feel like i rushed the plot a lot).... i can’t wait to read everyone else’s works and see the amazing fan art!
> 
> (all of jaebum's book recommendations came from [here](http://jjpbookwormcc.tumblr.com/)


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